You Do the Right Thing

An acquaintance on facebook posted this yesterday, and it spurred a big range of thoughts and is inspiring me to write a blog post for the first time in just about forever!

"My dad was always a republican. At some point he saw how republicans treated his gay son and sister. He never voted for another republican in his life. That’s what you do when you love someone. Our relationship was far from perfect but he obviously loved me because when you love someone and your political party is trying to take away your son and sisters human rights you do the right thing."

First of all, I fully support the right of anyone to love and marry whomever they want. I have very close friends and family who are gay. Who you choose to love/marry/sleep with has absolutely nothing to do with how I judge you as a human. I also don't see why the government should have anything to do with marriage at all, but I digress... ;).

Here's the thing though: making a statement like the one above basically says, "your support of my right to legally marry the person I love is more important than any other factor you could consider and if you don't vote for x you are a bad person and don't love me".

Let's ponder a theoretical extreme. What if I have two parties to choose from. Party A believes that gay people shouldn't be able to be legally married and will likely work towards laws that enforce this belief. Party B believes that we should initiate nuclear war with China, which I believe will send the world into an extremely dangerous WWIII and endanger billions of lives possibly including that of many of my family and friends. Would you really ask me to vote for Party A because "when you love someone [...] you do the right thing"?

Or how about this option? What if Party A wants to overturn Roe vs Wade and remove federal protection for women's right to make decisions about pregnancy termination. I have had an abortion and am firmly pro-choice (http://gaiamarrs.blogspot.com/2016/09/choices.html) and don't want to see these rights limited. But let's say that Party B has fiscal policies that I believe will lead to hyper-inflation, significant hardship and a major decrease in the quality of life for most people in our country, as well as questionable economic and civil stability in my daughters' future. Now I am in the position of choosing between federally protected access to abortion and the overall stability of our country and economy. Knowing that we will do our very best to provide our girls with a good education, financial stability and the knowledge to navigate the world and make decisions, which option is more threatening to their future? What about when we take into consideration all the other girls and women out there who might not be as well prepared to face the world as we hope our daughters will be? These would be tough decisions and I truly don't believe there would be an obvious answer of how to vote in order to "do the right thing". 

As someone who is on the "z-axis" of politics (I don't agree with a majority of positions of either major party), the sort of statement made by this acquaintance makes navigating relationships very tricky. While I often have more in common with the general liberal population as far as hobbies and lifestyle, I find that in general liberals tend to be much less accepting of differing opinions compared to conservatives. Statements like the above are common - assertions that there is one right way to think/vote/believe and that if I come to a different conclusion I am a bad person. 

I did not vote for Trump, but it does make me sad that if I made that choice (perhaps for a similar reason to my examples above) that many friends of mine might feel that I don't love them or don't believe in their rights because I made that difficult choice.

The New Guy at NYT

Apparently the NYT just added this columnist (Bret Stephens) and he had the hubris to start out by addressing climate change. Bold man. Here's a link to the article. I've seen liberal friends on Facebook denouncing the times and him for this piece, unsubscribing, etc. I don't get it. I found this to be an excellent article. I don't see it as "denying" climate change or anything of the like. It seems to me that he is making the excellent point that when rhetoric (an I using that word correctly?!), i.e. strong political statements, express more certainty than exists in reality, the public becomes skeptical and the desired support/buy-in may not be achieved. That happened with Clinton's campaign and it happened with climate change. Yes, we now have some consensus that global warming is at least partially human caused (of course there are natural cycles as well), but many sources were boldly stating that before it was actually known. And it seems to me that what the result of that is (i.e., how many degrees of change over how long) is still very much up for debate. If you want the public on board, don't spout dramatic predictions and total certainty before it's time... 

I will add that I am one of those people the article is talking about. I find that although I consider myself an "environmentalist", meaning I care a great deal about the environment, wild places, etc, and would like to see them continue, I find myself constantly skeptical of the "environmental movement" because they put out so many of what I consider one-sided, non-objective positions that claim far more certainty and moral "rightness" than they might deserve. 

I thought this was an excellent article and look forward to seeing more from Bret. I will, however, acknowledge, that I have only read this one piece by him, so I am not speaking to anything he has written in the past - no opinion yet because I haven't read it!

Choices

On Saturday, despite having gotten an IUD immediately after having Raven, I decided I felt too tired and nauseous to be normal, peed on a stick and found out I was pregnant. This led to a semi-emergency trip from McCarthy into Anchorage to go to the ER Sunday morning and find out what happened to the IUD. No sign of it. Must have been expelled during the one menstrual cycle I have had since giving birth. I was approximately 6 weeks along with an apparently normal and healthy pregnancy. 

Of course Wayne and I were a bit in shock (Raven just enjoyed all the new experiences and smiling and flirting with everyone in the hospital). At first we started thinking about life with a 15 month old plus newborn next May. We could do it. We could miss opening our business for the season, hire more help, take a big pay cut due to increased salaries and accept consequences for our lack of participation in the company. We would basically dedicate the next few years of our life to being parents of two young kids and not much else. We love Raven to pieces and know we would love another just as much.

They stole my bed in the ER!

However, after processing for 24 hours, I decided that I want to be an amazing mom, wife and business owner, not a frantic mom stretched too thin to do any of it well. And, at least in my ideal world, Raven still needs her mama to herself for a while longer. My milk was starting to dry up due to hormones from the new pregnancy and I was too tired and nauseous to enjoy spending time with my active, curious little girl. So I went into Planned Parenthood on Monday morning and scheduled an abortion for two days later, Wednesday Sept 14th. The relief I felt when making the final decision was immense.

Celebrating making a decision with Raven’s first sushi

I am making this story public for a few reasons. 

1. Abortion is such a social taboo and I don't believe it should be. I know that some people have religious objections, and if that's the case, then don't get one. But for those of us who look at an early term pregnancy as an unconscious clump of cells slowly developing towards personhood, removing the gestational sack and embryo is an amazing option to have when the shit hits the fan. And while some people have very strong emotional reactions, guilt, hormonal spikes, etc, others, like myself, are mainly relieved and grateful for the option, and that's ok too! Yes, it has potential to be a human, but so does any egg and sperm. While it was a decision we took seriously and made with care, it's was not an overly emotional topic once the decision was made. I don't need excessive sympathy. Feel free to ask me about it or not. One in 3-4 women have an abortion in their life. No need for it to be a big secret.

If you're interested in the science behind fetal consciousness and development, I thought this was a great article.

Enjoying a beautiful fall walk on the Chester Creek Trail on Tuesday

2. The ladies at Planned Parenthood ROCK. Seriously. It was such a contrast to our experience at the ER and even many/most medical offices I have ever been to. From the moment we walked in they were friendly, empathetic, understanding and a pleasure to work with. They called me sweetie, talked about my life and theirs, and never made me feel rushed or anything but important and worthy of their attention. They played with Raven and cooed over her. Not only that, but their systems are dialed, efficient and professional. They normally don't allow kids in the procedure room but since we didn't have a babysitter, they let Wayne come in with Raven, and my little girl held (ok, played with) my hand while it was done. They explained everything thoroughly and every single person was personable and competent. Both the nurse and the doctor were pregnant with their second kids so clearly a fan of families, kids, and helping people make the best choices for their own lives. I have nothing but the highest praise and appreciation, and I have high standards for service! On top of all that, all these people work somewhere that is a target for all sorts of hate, protesters, and sometimes even potentially violent wackos. So in my mind they're taking a risk every day that they come to work to be able to help someone like me, and those in much harder positions as well. Heroes.

Raven ran errands with Daddy while I slept off the Xanex

3. FYI, for anyone in a similar situation trying to make a decision - the actual procedure was simple, quick, and almost pain free. A little paperwork, screening for mental/physical health, safe lifestyle, etc, quick quick ultrasound and blood work and some pain and other meds and into the procedure room, which was just a standard exam room. A quick sting with numbing stuff up there was the worst of it and then the doctor was literally talking to me about something (I don't even remember what the topic was) and it took about two sentences and she was done. Ten minutes in the recovery room and I walked out. Sleepy all afternoon due to the drugs but no pain whatsoever. Went out to dinner, played with my kid, already feel better (less tired, nauseous) than I did this morning. So the procedure itself is nothing to be afraid of. I don't say this to make light of it, or suggest that you get an abortion for fun or don't act responsibly in the first place, but since no one talks about it, it seems like no one really knows what it entails. In my experience, not much more than getting a Pap smear or having in IUD put in.

Enjoying a real bath in a warm house before heading back to McCarthy

In conclusion:

1. Ladies, if you have an IUD, make sure you can feel the strings and check that they are still there every month after your period!

2. Planned Parenthood (at least in Anchorage) rocks. Go there if you are ever in need. 

3. Please support a woman's right to choose, and know that these decisions and reactions to them are highly personal. Allow space for emotions, sadness, etc, but also for relief, acceptance and moving on with life easily. It's different for everyone.

Comments welcome. Be reasonable and respectful or they will be deleted immediately.

I’d like to think they missed each other...

September 25: Brief update to say that I still feel very good about the decision, never doubted and never felt crazy hormonal swings as I kind of expected to. Everyone's experience is different...